Shayla

Rent money for next payment due

Room dividers?
Set time for departure?

Inconsiderate to roomies

Left light on when request for turn-out was made.
Cups missing from cabinet
Plant moved and placed improperly
Borrowed books without asking/assumed theft on bex's part.

What?

Today I worked a night shift at Ihop. MAN, I was so tired coming in. I went to sleep at 1:00am yesterday, but kept getting woken up. First was at 6:00 am, then again at 10:00. I felt so wiped but I relented and went downstairs to eat food and sat my ass down to check my websites. Facebook, Myspace, Gaia, Gmail, Meebo. I felt bummed that noone messaged me on Meebo overnight. I like when people try to talk at me but I'm not there. Cleek, though, messaged me right off the bat. 'Come have dinner with me.' he constrained. I'm reluctant to meet him, much less talk to him over the safety of the internet. He seems overbearing and coarse, oh god not another one why? I keep seating people in the wrong sections. It's frustrating that I can't remember the table layout! I got hit on by a coworker, Michael Brooker I believe his name is. I need to get a picture cause to me he looks odd. He's a joker, and out-there crazy, and just so CHARMING!! These customers came in and he had this childs toy that made siren sounds go off over the PA intercom while they were coming in through the foyer. The customers loved it, they were laughing and greeting him warmly and hugging him. I assume they were regulars... Well, I saw him today/last night, and as soon as he was free he BEE LINED straight to me. He kissed me again. =/ Another server accused him of flirting with everyone after he kissed me. I'm not trying to get with him and fall in love and have a relationship, but I'd love to if he's sincere about the way he wishes to pursue me. He kept asking me for my heart, and he left a message on my cell phone while he was standing in the foyer watching me. The message was just saying how 'gorgeous' I looked and how taken aback he was. He also called while I was dealing with a rush on register to tell me he was thinking about me. I'm not sure how to deal with his "adamant advances". He's so forward and I'm so laid back... But I have to admit, even if he is slightly unattractive, the sex seems like it would be worth it. Someone told me that since I was new I'd get messed with and joked on. Leandro, Rebecca's new roommate, said it I think. He is so frustrating for me to deal with, so often he cajoles me and teases me. =[ No fun. I also found out that a cook at the Ihop here ate out Bex's brothers ex girlfriend out on her favorite couch. His name is Leo and he's a dealer at the germantown Ihop. LOL V&! On my first day here he walked up to the frnt where I was at and told me that I needed to talk to someone named Dennis. I said bull shit, and ignored him. Is he just the fucking messenger? Weak, if Dennis can't walk up and talk to me himself, then fuck that shit cause why should I bother. I found out later he was some average joe mexican dude. I'm fixated on Leo because I've never been given the task of exacting revenge. I'm probably just going to mention it and see if he says sorry or whatever. I don't think there is anything I can do that I WANT to do. I was hit on by a very nice African American gentleman, Tracy, he said his name was. Smooth motherfucker, talked to me about my "boyfriend" Nick, lol. He asked me if I had a twin that was single and I said thanks for the compliment. He left without a fuss, no tip. There was also some chick in the outer foyer screaming and crying on her phone. Ugh... I went out and offered her some napkins and told her if she needed anything, to ask me. I just don't remember anger or sadness all that well, I forget it cause I don't enjoy it, I'm sure. I feel guilty that I can't sympathize, because I just get confused and annoyed when others are angry or sad. Oh well.

No Title

Apparently family from my biological fathers family has found out I exist. Two aunts, one Linda, another Debra. They want to know me, learn about me, be close to me.

Yes, Aunt Linda, My mothers name is Jackie, and my biological fathers name is Aaron.


I just got a new job working as a server/hostess at the restaurant chain Ihop. I'm not in college, mostly because I don't care enough about a proper degree education to procure money, and secondly because I'm not sure what I want to do.
I'm considering the military. I get paid to exist, learn, and get physically fit.
Did Debbie tell you about me? Or did you find me through her or just on facebook... It's a bit surprising for one to find that they have family that they didn't know about. Living with my mom was a sort of 'ask and tell', and I just never knew to ask if I had other family.

Why do they want to know me? Obviously they don't know I'm a shitty person.

I'm lying in bed, (Which currently is a table with a mattress pad on it) sick with a cold, (And my throat is sore which makes sneezing HELLACIOUS) trying to ignore the empty rumblings of my belly (Because I swear if I get up, I'll just fall down).
I'm supposed to be finishing the revisions and edits for Randalls book, but I really wanted to put in a post on this blog where I sound like an adult bitching about how shitty life is. For the past few days I had been staying at a friends house, her name is Rebecca, she's pretty much like me, but without the sex drive of a 16 yr old boy. Heh, I masturbated twice last night. I did feel better for a few minutes after though... Was it worth it? I'm glad I slept here because sleeping at Rebeccas is a little awkward considering the company and the state of the house. It's a little unkempt, a few odd stains on the floor, and generally very dusty. I'm not sure how the idea of investing in a vacuum cleaner will turn out for me. Mmmm, sitting here with my feet in warm water is so comforting. My feet hurt so badly this morning, I'm not too sure why for, but I figured if I soaked them for a while, they might feel better. Wise decision! I'm going to buff and sand and scrape and lotion and moisturize until they feel like they aren't my feet anymore. I could use a little beauty on my body, caue I sure do feel matronly and unnattractive.
I had been on the bus going to Silver Spring, MD from my new job at the Ihop in Germantown, MD (2 hour commute, can you dig it?)
(1 hour later) I finished pampering my feet and they feel cold from being out from under the blanket and hot water. I also managed to write a nice letter/message to Naa, apparently school work is hard for her 'cause she can't concentrate. I watched the movie Snatch with Guy Ritchie in it, and I heard a song (Mirwais - Disco Science) in it that I liked so I downloaded the entire album for the artist, but it turns out it was just a one hit wonder. I don't even get a high from listening to it. =[ Mostly uncool, but the beat is nice to swing your body to. I still haven't gotten over how good it feels to listen to Simian Mobile Disco's track 'I Believe'. THAT is a love song, the soft insistent beat, the thready whisper of the voice, and the message of affection and need... Lol, romanticism.
I'm a little bummed that my drawer was short 27$, I'm just glad that I didn't get the wont to steal money from the drawer. I'm HOPING it was just wrong change, but I WANT it to be Ambrah's mistake. It isn't that I don't like her, it's just that I really hate when I make mistakes. It really is frustrating to know that while you thought you were paying attention, you weren't.
I'm glad I checked to see who was online today for Facebook. It's been a long time since I've talked to Saedeh, I had no clue she was in college! Time seems to pass so by, and I've done nothing. I want to go out and exercise, but I'm worried that if I do, I'll get even worse with my sickness.
I had a very odd dream a while back, At this moment I can seem to remember it. I think it involved my mother. Or no, I was having sex. No! I was chasing someone, because they were chasing another person, and at once I was both a hero, and a criminal.

I was walking from the bus stop to Ben's mothers house, when I turn around, and I see a young lady, sandy blonde hair, pink sweater, and blue jeans. She's carrying plastic grocery bags filled with food, two bags in each hand, and walking away from a car while yelling over her shoulder, "Donkey!" The car slowly pulls away as she walks down the street away from the car and the car follows her. I run fast, sprinting as though being chased by a rocket, to catch up to the car, when I begin talking to the man in the car about... Something. I am in the car soon after somehow. I know the driver has killed her, he knew her. I'm sitting in the back seat calmly talking about things that the driver is interested in talking about while I consider the angle of my posture and the angle the driver is sitting, and what the quickest movements would be to kill him. I decide that stabbing his side while he is turning the wheel would be worthy of consideration, then slicing his neck as a better idea. I hear him talking about how the bitch deserved it and in my dream I had a flashback of an older dream, the one where the walls around the shopping center of rockville were covered in grass. I grab my knife from my pants and rush to grab his forehead and slice his neck with my knife, but it is too dull and I need to stab him as he struggles away from me. I wind up with the car without someone to steer and bloodied hands. I open the passenger door in the right and jump out, and I'm on the side of the road, in the grass thinking, 'Oh shit, evidence...'

Odd dream, right? Well, I woke up right after that because I had been sleeping at Rebeccas house, and Shayla's phone went off. Heh, I thanked her for waking me up and I meant it.

CATE!!!

Yea, she came to school today. Good to see her every time, because she's this little bundle of joy I just enjoy being around her. She ignored me though.
No hugs for me. -tear tear-


I've been consistently going against my father's wishes.
Wednesday I had planned on seeing a movie with Jake, whom I am now dating. And I asked him to take me back to his place instead of seeing the movie.
When we got to his house I asked him to give me some alcohol because I was seriously needing to chill out and we took double shots of some skyy, watched invader zim, made out, and then had pizza, and watched t.v.
It was wonderful, because we bonded more.
But my dad got pissed at me for being late again.
I got all bi-polar today. Jake talked to me, and we went over how much I hate life. Yesterday I attempted to off myself because of what happened with Jake. I ate a bunch of vitamins, claritin's, and some aleve. Nothing happened to me, I didn't get sick, I had some heavy breathing problems, and I felt unsettled, but other than that nothing. I'm so angry at myself for not dying. It's like I fail at everything. Mica talked to me about why I was so depressed, and Ryan was very intent on making sure I didn't die.

I didn't go to my math class because I had a major headache. I hate being sick all the time.
I did, though, take this test in my computer class this morning. I finished it in ten minutes. I usually take 15 and am the fourth to turn in, but I was about two minutes faster than the smart kid in the class.
I had an amp, and I think that the caffeine boost was what made me work so much faster.

I really like Jake, and I was playing with him today, and I realized I do want to be with him.
He seems to be good for me. He's stable, and caring, and it may not be directed to only me but, I find it should still be enough.
With Jake I have my space, and theres no religious interference, and we have a comfortable relationship.
There's no anxiety being around him. And he's clean. I figure after a while I should find him more sexually arousing, because with Adi, it took a while for me to warm up to him. I did tell Jake I wanted to have sex with him. I shouldn't have said 'sex'.
I should have said 'make love'.
I'm so pissed I'm alive.

Enlightenment.......

Makes me feel so alone to ponder how everytime I think about the universe, I only feel lonelier.
I'm beginning to think that maybe life isn't so worthless,

and then I remember the lack of viable reason for existance.
Then I return to being pissed again.


Adi wants to take me to lunch tuesday, ((tomorrow)) I turned him down and instead offered to let him hang out with me at the campus. I'm so scared of touching him. And letting him touch me. He knows everything about my body, and it makes me so afraid. Knowing that he's had me, I feel like I got duped.
He was never my boyfriend. He was only infatuated with my body.

This whole Mica thing is making me feel so wrong in my head.
I want to make everything better for her, but I can't.
I think I'm severely pissed at Rin. But I understand how she has feelings for other people.

No clue what to do....

I need to get motivated.

Time to surf the interwebs!
http://img.7chan.org/fl/src/Linerider.swf

I somehow feel like my life has gone downhill.


I'm poor,
Lonely,
Insecure,
Failing,
and lost.
I don't know what to do.

I know I'm going to have to stop eating now. Work harder in my classes.
and try to find someone who will give me sex, and doesn't make me feel insecure about my body.

I'm going to try to get with Sean. He's really sweet. Maybe a few ego strokes and he'll like me.
I hope to high heavens he knows how to use a condom, and that he isn't a virgin.
well, maybe I hope he is a virgin. But that he knows how to use a condom.
I find those things so annoying.
I wish I was a virgin sometimes. Sex seems to be what hovers in my mind.
I really had hoped Michael and I could have had a real relationship.
He seems like such a good guy. He is a little too different from me though, our views differ too much. I felt like I was taking his money a few times. It just made me feel guilty, cause I knew it would never work.
Goddamn. He told me to not write about suicide. It's my body and my choice. He's too apathetic. I'm too loud. He's too chivilrous. I'm too butch. He wasn't too good at the sex part either. He never gave well. I still want to taste his cock, it's just so nice and thick.


I hope he won't be angry at me for breaking up.
It's really more of an its not my fault kind of thing.

I should definitely practice that "not being a bitch" routine.


I had deja vu again today. It hurt like a car crash. My head had a sharp pain, right in the back left. I need a hug. I need someone to cuddle me.

I just need to find a guy who suits me. And a job. But I don't want one.

He attacked me!

he is so ..... grrr! i had the best time ever with adrien, and having him fall asleep in my arms was so endearing, i wanted it to last forever. But oh yes father you had to yell at me for no damn reason. cos we couldn't hear you calling you had to yell at me, all we were doing was having fun. My dad thinks he owns me. Just cos i live in your house doesn't mean i wont fight you when you unjustifiably yell at me. i am so pissed at him.