CATE!!!

Yea, she came to school today. Good to see her every time, because she's this little bundle of joy I just enjoy being around her. She ignored me though.
No hugs for me. -tear tear-


I've been consistently going against my father's wishes.
Wednesday I had planned on seeing a movie with Jake, whom I am now dating. And I asked him to take me back to his place instead of seeing the movie.
When we got to his house I asked him to give me some alcohol because I was seriously needing to chill out and we took double shots of some skyy, watched invader zim, made out, and then had pizza, and watched t.v.
It was wonderful, because we bonded more.
But my dad got pissed at me for being late again.
I got all bi-polar today. Jake talked to me, and we went over how much I hate life. Yesterday I attempted to off myself because of what happened with Jake. I ate a bunch of vitamins, claritin's, and some aleve. Nothing happened to me, I didn't get sick, I had some heavy breathing problems, and I felt unsettled, but other than that nothing. I'm so angry at myself for not dying. It's like I fail at everything. Mica talked to me about why I was so depressed, and Ryan was very intent on making sure I didn't die.

I didn't go to my math class because I had a major headache. I hate being sick all the time.
I did, though, take this test in my computer class this morning. I finished it in ten minutes. I usually take 15 and am the fourth to turn in, but I was about two minutes faster than the smart kid in the class.
I had an amp, and I think that the caffeine boost was what made me work so much faster.

I really like Jake, and I was playing with him today, and I realized I do want to be with him.
He seems to be good for me. He's stable, and caring, and it may not be directed to only me but, I find it should still be enough.
With Jake I have my space, and theres no religious interference, and we have a comfortable relationship.
There's no anxiety being around him. And he's clean. I figure after a while I should find him more sexually arousing, because with Adi, it took a while for me to warm up to him. I did tell Jake I wanted to have sex with him. I shouldn't have said 'sex'.
I should have said 'make love'.
I'm so pissed I'm alive.

Enlightenment.......

Makes me feel so alone to ponder how everytime I think about the universe, I only feel lonelier.
I'm beginning to think that maybe life isn't so worthless,

and then I remember the lack of viable reason for existance.
Then I return to being pissed again.


Adi wants to take me to lunch tuesday, ((tomorrow)) I turned him down and instead offered to let him hang out with me at the campus. I'm so scared of touching him. And letting him touch me. He knows everything about my body, and it makes me so afraid. Knowing that he's had me, I feel like I got duped.
He was never my boyfriend. He was only infatuated with my body.

This whole Mica thing is making me feel so wrong in my head.
I want to make everything better for her, but I can't.
I think I'm severely pissed at Rin. But I understand how she has feelings for other people.